Quotes of Note

Professional baseball catcher Yogi Berra (born in 1925) and Samuel Goldwin (1882 – 1974), the movie producer and the “Goldwyn” in Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, were known for their unintentionally funny sayings.  Since Goldwyn’s first language was Polish we can forgive him for mangling the English language.  But Yogi just has a strange mind.  Let’s begin with their verbal gaffes, and then move on to a few other well-known people who said some funny things.

Here are Samuel Goldwin’s best lines:

  • “In two words, impossible.”
  • “Our comedies are not to be laughed at.”
  • “An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”
  • “Gentlemen, include me out.”
  • “I’ve gone where the hand of man has never set foot.”
  • “Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.”
  • “If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.”
  • “They stayed away in droves.”
  • “Don’t improve it into a flop!”
  • “I don’t want yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.”
  • “I read part of it all the way through.”
  • “I had a great idea this morning, but I didn’t like it.”
  • “If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.”
  • “That’s the trouble with directors.  Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg.”
  • “Tell them to stand closer apart.”
  • “It’s absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities.”
  • “A hospital is no place to be sick.”
  • “Give me a couple of years, and I’ll make that actress an overnight success.”
  • “I’m willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.”
  • “Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.”
  • “I don’t care if it doesn’t make a nickel. I just want every man, woman, and child in America to see it.”
  • “A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.”
  • “Can she sing? She’s practically a Florence Nightingale.”
  • “Let’s have some new clichés.”
  • “You’ve got to take the bull between your teeth.”
  • “We have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the reservoir.”
  • “I have been laid up with intentional flu.”
  • “He treats me like the dirt under my feet.”
  • “I want to make a picture about the Russian secret police – the GOP.”
  • “There is a statue of limitation.”
  • “I never put on a pair of shoes until I’ve worn them at least five years.”
  • “Never make forecasts, especially about the future.”
  • “I don’t think anyone should write his autobiography until after he’s dead.”
  • “This makes me so sore it gets my dandruff up.”
  • “Keep a stiff upper chin.”
  • “Gentlemen, listen to me slowly.”
  • “Don’t worry about the war. It’s all over but the shooting.”
  • “Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory.”

And now here are some of Yogi Berra’s Yogi-isms:

  • “This is like déjà vu all over again.”
  • “I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”
  • “If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.”
  • “If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.”
  • “Baseball is ninety percent mental – the other half is physical.”
  • “Ninety percent of the putts that are short don’t go in.”
  • “It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.”
  • “A nickel isn’t worth a dime today.”
  • “Nobody goes there anymore; it’s too crowded.”
  • “I take a two hour nap, from one o’clock to four.”
  • “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
  • “You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn’t enough in the second half you give what’s left.”
  • “I made a wrong mistake.”
  • “It’s never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn’t.”
  • “The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.”
  • “You should always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”
  • “I didn’t really say everything I said.”

I’ll end with a few interesting quotes by some other well known people:

  • “A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year.  I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’” – Florida Representative Claude Pepper who died at the age of 88
  • “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.  A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Actress Lana Turner
  • “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov
  • “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.  When you are sitting on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour.  That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein
  • “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Baseball manager Casey Stengel
  • “Always remember that you are absolutely unique.  Just like everyone else.” – Anthropologist Margaret Mead
  • “Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.” – Ronald Reagan
  • “They say marriages are made in Heaven.  But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood
  • “There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.” – Henry Kissinger
  • “I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.” – Bertrand Russell
  • “I no doubt deserve my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserve my friends.” – Walt Whitman
  • “I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes.  I only had one thousand sixty.” – Imelda Marcos
  • “We are all here on earth to help others; why on earth the others are here, I don’t know.” – W. H. Auden
  • “I have never been hurt by what I have not said.” – Calvin Coolidge
  • “He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • “I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.” – Walt Disney
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